By: Lauren Maloney

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

James 1:2-3 

When asked if you have faith in God, it is easy to say as a Christian, “I trust Him in all ways.” But what happens when it doesn’t go the way you hoped for, or the way you prayed for? Do you still trust Him when you feel completely hopeless and broken? Do you take the opportunity to look at it as a great joy when you lose someone?

When my husband and I found out we were pregnant in June 2022, we were excited but nervous because we already had a large blended family of six kids. After a few weeks, we both really believed that the baby was a boy. I felt the same as I did in my last pregnancy with our son Luke. We wanted to name the baby Samuel once it was confirmed. We were so excited about the baby and that the boys would only be two years apart. I began to imagine my life with two small boys: Them playing together, me chasing them and watching them grow up together. 

Weeks went by, and it was time for my ultrasound appointment. My husband had to drop me off because he had to go pick up our younger kids from school. As soon as the monitor came on, I could tell something was wrong. After what felt like a lifetime, the doctor finally came in to tell me the news: The baby had a condition called polycystic kidney disease, which causes a cyst to grow on the kidneys and makes them unable to work. The doctor explained that the baby would only survive outside of the womb for a few minutes. At that moment, it was hard to think or understand fully what was happening. They offered me tissues and a moment to call my husband.

The next few months left us not knowing what to do and what to tell our kids, friends, and strangers who would ask about my obviously pregnant belly. My husband trusted God would heal Samuel and the doctors would say it was a miracle. We prayed repeatedly for a miracle along with our friends and family. Before one of the last ultrasounds, I begged God to heal him. But still there was no positive change, and his kidneys were the same. 

January 17, 2023, was my scheduled cesarean section to deliver Samuel. Delivery went as expected, and Samuel came out crying just like any other healthy baby. They handed him to me and eventually moved us into another room where my husband, my mother, my sister, and I were able to be together with Samuel for an hour. Then, he took his final breath, and we said goodbye.  

The next three days in the hospital were the lowest I had ever felt, but I never felt I was alone. The nurses were all so kind to me, the pediatric doctor came in a few times to pray with me, and I know God was with me, too. When I was still pregnant, my care pastor, Pastor Fritz, reminded me that God knew what I was going through, and that He had lost His Son, too. I held onto those words then, and I still do today. 

When I went home, I cried for days. It felt like I was missing a part of myself. I can’t remember how many days it was, but one day I couldn’t take the emptiness in my heart anymore. I got down on my knees and prayed for the pain to go away and to be able to catch my breath. That night, I had a dream about a baby happily saying “mommy” and being held by two people in all white. When I reached for him, I woke up crying—but not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy, because I knew Samuel was okay. He was home with our Savior. I felt a closeness to God I hadn’t felt before. A comfort washed over me, and I knew I would get through this painful time.

I wanted God to heal Samuel so deeply. It had never occurred to me that in answering my prayer, healing him was God taking him home to Heaven. Looking back now, I’m full of joy knowing God gave me an hour with him when the doctor told me minutes. It’s not the miracle we were wanting, but it is the one I’ll always be thankful for. When everything seems to be falling apart and our faith is tested, we often forget God is in control and has a plan. When we let go and hold onto joy, we can grow in Christ.